


I Want My Mom

by MaddieandChimney



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:48:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24539503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: Chimney doesn't get the reaction he was hoping for when he tells his father he's about to become a grandfather.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Kudos: 20
Collections: Madney One-Shots





	I Want My Mom

He hates himself; he hates himself for how weak, and pathetic he feels right then as he curls up in a ball on the kitchen floor. He hates himself because no matter how hard he tries, he can’t stop the tears from falling and the sobs that echo around the apartment. His arms wrap tightly around his knees, curling up as tightly as he could manage – just as he had done when he was a child, listening to his parents screaming at each other, his hands covering his ears in an attempt to drown out the noise of his mother crying.

He’d kill to hear her again.

He hates himself because he’s in his forties, he’s lived longer without his mother than he did with her and still, he thinks about her. He still misses her, he still clings to the memory of her smiling, he still hears her laughter, how she’d tell him he could be anything he wanted to be as long as he was happy. He knows she would have loved Maddie, that she would have been an amazing mother-in-law, and an even better grandmother. He wonders if he’ll see some of her in his daughter, when she’s born, if the little girl will share something, anything, other than a name with the first woman he had ever loved. He misses her so much because she’s missed out on so much, and she’s going to miss out on even more. His father, he _chooses_ not to be in his life, he’s not interested in being a granddad, he’s not even concerned about being a dad to him.

Still, despite that, even with the knowledge that his own father didn’t want anything to do with him, knowing he was nothing more than a failure, a disappointment in the man’s eyes, he had still gone against all his instincts and picked up the phone, just to tell him that he was finally going to have a chance to be a parent, and he was going to do it right. He shouldn’t have been surprised when he was met with the familiar feeling that he was nothing more than an inconvenience. Even though he’d never asked for anything other than the respect and love he thought came unconditionally. He didn’t even _know_ his daughter and he already knew he’d jump in front of a train for her.

He was sure, on some level, he could pick himself up off the ground, brush it off and just… move on… if he hadn’t brought his mother into it. “ _She’d be so disappointed in you, Howard.”_ Perhaps any other person would have been able to move on, hang up the phone, maybe cry a little and then move past it. But all he could think about was how much she had longed for him to have a good education, a great job, a wonderful wife, a bunch of grandkids. She had spoken about it after her cancer diagnosis – of all the good things she wanted for him. And now, all he could think about was the hundred ways he had let her down.

“Howie?”

His thoughts are momentarily interrupted by the sound of his half-asleep, very pregnant girlfriend and he can’t help but feel his heart clench at the thought – would his mother really hate the thought of him being in his forties, never married, a child on the way? Would he have heard that loathing in her voice, too? “I-I want my mom.” He _loathes_ how weak he sounds, wondering why Maddie would ever want to be with someone as weak and pathetic as he feels right then. “I need her, Maddie, I need her here. I need to make sure s-she doesn’t… I need her to tell me she accepts me. She l-loves me…” He doesn’t dare look up at the woman he loves so much, ashamed of himself, terrified he’ll see judgement, pity or embarrassment in her eyes. He wouldn’t blame her.

He feels her kneeling beside him, but he still can’t bring himself to look up at her, he still can’t stop himself from leaning into the gentle hand she places on the back of his neck, her thumb grazing along his hairline before she moves to gently pull his arm away from his body, willing him not to hide his face from her. “I know I’m not the person you want, but I’m here.” She whispers, “I-I don’t…” He finally looks at her, knowing she’s trying to find the right words, “I don’t know what he said to you,” Maddie had warned him not to phone him, told him no good would come of it, “But you know the truth, deep down… you know whatever he said was a lie.”

“It doesn’t _feel_ like a lie right now.” He feels broken, completely shattered, wishing his mom was there to tell him that it was okay. That she’d want their ‘bastard child’ (his father’s words, not his) to share her name, that she’d be happy for him, wedding ring or not. He wants to believe she’d be happy for him, he wants, more than anything, to know she’d be proud of him because really, the more he thinks about it, that’s all he wants.

He watches as Maddie bites down on her lip, an attempt to quell her own tears before she settles down on the floor next to him, pulling him down until he gets the hint and rests his head on her lap. He is soothed almost immediately when her fingers run through his hair, “Mrs Lee told me that all your mom ever wanted was for you to be happy. It’s why she stayed in this country when the easier option would have been to leave with your dad. She told me that your mom lived to make you laugh, to hear you laugh. That—she sees her in you every single day, in the way you smile and the way you’re only happy if the people around you are. I know you’re hurting so badly right now, baby, I know you wanted him to… be different. But, please, don’t give him the power to destroy you.”

He only sobs harder, hiding his face in her swelling stomach, his hands gripping tightly onto her. He knows, he knows she’s right but it doesn’t stop the pain that hits him at his very core; all he’s ever wanted is approval from his parents – or the one parent he had left – and nothing he’d ever done had been worthy. He had hoped, more than anything, it would have changed with the news he was bringing a new life into the world.

“I just want her here. I need her here.” He needed her there to tell him it would be okay, that she was happy he was happy, that she approved, that she thought he was going to be a good dad despite the fact he didn’t have one himself. “I want my mom.”

“I know. I got you. Let it out.”


End file.
